omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
