Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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