I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Im part way to drunk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
