...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
