get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
