I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
