Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
