my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
