I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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