For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
