This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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