Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
