Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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