Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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