I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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