I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i will never coherently bang her
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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