twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
