Me too!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize