Life is so much better after having sex.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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