party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
