My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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