the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he shaved USA in his pubs
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
