what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
