I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
