I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
you made out with another girl for some wings
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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