Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
