I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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