if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize