He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
