he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
