new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
