PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
