At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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