is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
