I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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