Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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