dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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