why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
