I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
