Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
