She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
