yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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