I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
