I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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