I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize