It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
