true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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