New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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