My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
