You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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