the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
