it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize