The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
