Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
