I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
