Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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