My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Randomize
